Some days, - most days, in fact - I'm happy. I can't imagine myself on any other path in life and I have made peace with any and all mistakes I've ever committed in the past. I'm twenty and I'm learning so many things. I'm absolutely content with mediocrity, because if you average amongst the best of the best, can you really complain?
Some days, I'm aware of how much I know and how good I am at what I do. I realise how much potential I must've shown for my university to offer me a place and for my sponsoring body to offer me a scholarship. I must've made some form of impact. I can't ask for better lecturers and facilitators. In fact, I dread leaving this campus because it's just so perfect. But I'm also excited to be in Highfield, because can you imagine what kind of nerd labs await me there?
Some days, I'm excited for third and fourth year projects. What kind of fiction can I possibly bring to life? I can be a Big Hero 6 in my own right. I'm just so excited to learn what this course has to offer me. I want these four years to stretch two folds, maybe three. I want to do my masters and my phd in this university. Why? Because why not? The company is great, the environment is great, the reputation is great, the people are great, the opportunities that await are even greater.
Some days, I want to intern at Intel. I want to be a part of something big - and I'm going to do it. I'm confident that if I study a little bit harder, I can be on parr with the rest of my classmates. I can code my own labs, I can ace interviews with internship bodies, I can analyse circuits in a heartbeat. I'm confident that with a bit more effort, ELEC1206 could easily be my best subject. And maybe one day, I'll be able to speak some Mandarin, Korean, French, and maybe read cyrillic.
Some days, I aspire to be my friends. To be as cool and collected, smart and meticulous, adorable and charismatic, athletic and driven, intelligent and laid-back. One day, I'll come to love myself and I'll be on the pedestal with them instead of being on the ground. I crack jokes and believe that I am significant, I belong here, amongst the socially awkward, in this badly lit laboratory, trying to figure out phasor analysis and dielectric materials. I mean, where else would I be?
Some days, I'm present and ambitious and proud and confident and happy.
Today is not one of those days.