But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

26.5.12

Maybe I miss you.
Maybe a little bit too much.

It's been a while. It's been a really, really long while. Where some people have moved on and gained wisdom and have died and lived, I'm back to square one. I thought I did though, I thought I lived. I thought I laughed and I cried and I loved and I lived. But who was I kidding? It was all for show, everything was a facade. I'm back to square one.

Have you ever felt so lost, that everywhere seems home? Or everywhere seems one step closer to home? Or everywhere isn't home at all? That all seems right for a moment, and then it doesn't, and then it is again? That your reach is a mile short of everything you wished for but all the rivers are flooded and you're stuck where you are with nowhere to go? That you can no longer differentiate between your heart and your mind and they both seem so quiet they both seem so dead? That you get so delusional and you're not sure where you are or how to feel or what to think or when to listen or when to speak or when to look or when to not? Maybe you haven't. Maybe it's not even that at all. Maybe that's not what lost feels like. But that's how I feel, and I fear I'm back to square one.

I don't know what to do. I don't know who to talk to. I don't know what I should be doing. I don't know what I'm even doing. Nobody I can think of would understand, or say the things I want them to say. You know how some people have friends who know exactly what to say at exactly the right time? I wasn't fortunate enough to meet such people. It's like I'm back to square one. There's nobody I can weep on, nobody to pat me on the head and tell me it's all right, even though it's not, even though I won't believe it. There's nobody to distract me from this craziness, nobody who's wise and young and wild at the same time. There's nobody for me to dream about. I'm back to square one.

I don't know what I want. Maybe I want somebody. Just somebody. Somebody to guide me, to hug me and hold me tight, to kiss me on the head and tell me all the things I want to hear. And when I deny it and call him a liar, he'll say it again, not because it's his duty, but because it's true. Somebody I can cry to and he'll have a wad of tissues and a mug of hot chocolate to offer. Somebody who'll listen. Somebody who'll listen to every word of the tale, and gently pry the storybook away from my fingers once it's finished. Somebody who smells of meadows, skies and laughter. Somebody who can give me certainty. Somebody I once dreamt about. But alas, I'm not worthy of somebody like that. Somebody as sweet as him deserve better than me. I suppose I'm back to square one.

Time is coming and time is gone, and I'm back to square one, back to where I started. Was everything I ever lived for a lie? Was everything I ever believed in fiction? I took a wrong turning somewhere, and I'm back to square one. Am I expected to take the same road again, in hopes I'll remember to avoid the corner to nowhere? Or to take a different path this time, in hopes that the corner to nowhere doesn't exist at all? I'm not convinced, though. I think I'll end up here again and I'll be back to square one.

Just close your eyes and breathe. Inhale. Exhale. Let your mind take a rest for a moment.
Goddamnit. I'm back to square one.

Je vous aime, mon chéri. Je le veux dire. ♥