But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.


We drown them all.

"All you need is 20 seconds of insane courage, and I promise you something great will come of it."

This is taken from We Bought A Zoo's soundtrack.
It's a very lovely movie, very heartwarming. I highly recommend this video, especially if you're one for animals. I'm not gonna lie; my aunt & I shed some tears throughout the entire film. I wanted to give everybody the biggest hug I could give, especially Dylan. He's a misunderstood little kid. Also, it has a phenomenal soundtrack, in my opinion. The opening credits said the music was composed by Jónsi, and I knew I was in for rather an emotional ride - I'm a fan of his work, and it moved me just by music, let alone if it came along with drama, I knew it would reduce me to tears.

This film has taught me many morals. Combined with recent dreams I've had within the past few weeks, which  also contributed to the pool of tears I've created, I realise that I'm not getting any younger. I need to do things I've always wanted to do. I need to do things for the sake of it. I need to do insane things for the sake of it. I need to do every insane thing there is to do, just so it can weave itself into a story. I need to keep going, that even the craziest of ideas need only a little bit of effort and a little bit of faith. I need to explore every inch of the world there is to explore. I need to travel and visit every continent on Earth and start there. I need to explore my mind. I need to let the violent hurricane swallow every bit of my conscience. I need to explore people and how their hands move through shadows. I need to explore their eyes, the midnight in them, before dawn arrives. I need to feel. I need to venture. I need to wander. I need to get lost. I need to live.

I suppose it's safe to say, I'm finally happy; I don't have any problems weighing me to the centre of an emotional hurricane, my friends are basically drama-free, I attended an amazing course that made me realise that socializing isn't all bad - you just need to meet the right people, and I'm pretty much on my way to living my parents' dreams and mine. And what's better than making your family proud and chasing your own ambitions at the same time?

I'm frightened though. When anything good happens, something bad comes after. That's the way of life. We've all been through it. And seeing as the year's been nothing but joy and elation, I'm worried next year wouldn't be as kind.

Some say that you've got to go with the flow, God's decided your fate and He knows where you'll end up, even if you get lost along the way. And for the most part, I'm as relaxed as I'll ever be. But there are some days where you don't do anything but think. Those days come more often than they should, given my over-analyzing brain, but not often enough to trouble me.

But I'm happy. I'm ending 2011 on a high note; and it really couldn't have been better.
So Merry Christmas & Happy 2012.

Je vous aime, mon chéri. Je le veux dire. ♥


I thought of you this morning.

Sometimes, luck isn't enough.
I really, really want to write a story. A very depressing one. A story where a character has a chronic disease, like Parkinsons'. Or someone's autistic. Or someone has cancer. Or Huntington's disease. 

But I have to knowledge on these stuff. So I'm stuck with typical love stories.

Je vous aime, mon chéri. Je le veux dire. ♥


But they couldn't quite remember.

Serenade me away from this insanity.

Just sort of felt the need to write. Apparently Kat can identify my writing by the choice of words. Though she might confuse it with Ming's, 'cause she's not sure what Ming's style is.

I feel like writing a love scene between Teddie & Becky, but I have no idea. How can love exist between a child-like enthusiastic girl and a cocky, cheeky & sexy playboy?

Je vous aime, mon chéri. Je le veux dire. ♥


And it's all that I can hear.

Do you remember all the city lights on the water?
You saw me start to believe for the first time.

I have taken the effort, multiple times, to explain myself to some people. In the end, after half an hour or so, they wouldn't understand me any more than they did before. Probably only the fact that I'm more complicated than you think. I'm not sure if they can't link my likes & preferences or they just simply can't catch up, but they just can't get it.

I guess I'm proud to be complicated.


So since we had free periods right up to period 9, the whole class was buzzing with the freedom of after-exams. I started talking to Yisian, right in the middle of class, on the floor. First we talked about the places I've been to holiday to, and we agreed that I was lucky to travel that much. But it's even worse to know that you've been around the world, but you can't remember a thing because you were too young or engrossed with the wonders of French ice cream or distracted by having cool breezes every day.

Then I started being nostalgic & thoughtful and asked them a question; 

"Now that we're in high school, and you probably can't imagine your life without your friends; it practically revolves around them. But 10 years from now, once we've gone separate ways, studied separate fields, taken separate jobs, maybe even live in separate continents, would we remember who we sat next to in Form 3? Would we send still stay in touch, write letters at the very least? Would we get invited to each other's weddings? Would we remember that day when we were suppose to do a project but ended up camwhoring around my room? Would we remember the day we both went to Disney on Ice and giggled like 5 year olds again? Would we remember that story I wrote and filled the exercise book with? 

Would we even cross each other's minds?"

Je vous aime, mon chéri. Je le veux dire. ♥


I can see your shadow.

Because sometimes, all I need is escape.

There are many things I want to talk about today. Seeing as I'm in my writing mood;

  1. I made a playlist for moments when I'm feeling emo or depressed, be it with a decent reason or no reason at all.
    And I feel like such a hypocrite. 'Cause I just tweeted how depressed some people despite them still being at the age of 15. I mean, you can still get a child's ticket in England when you're 15. And you make it seem as if you have more problems than a divorced woman twice your age. Seriously? Yvonne said, maybe we're not exposed enough. I think we're exposed to decent things. They may not be productive or beneficial for our near future, but at least it doesn't get us depressed as fuck.
  2. Father said the police might come and snatch my laptop away.
    I sort of wish it won't happen, but I sort of wish it does. Because if it gets taken away, means all the things that I've saved on this computer will be lost, like all my files since I was 9 up to 12 when my dad formatted the computer about a year ago. I guess it helps me find closure. I tend to get attached to insignificant things, even though the story behind it is pathetic.
    But then, if it gets taken away, he promised to get me a new laptop. This means I'll have a chance to get Windows 7. So I'll be able to get a SonyPro or whatever and I can make videos and make my ships happen.
  3. I honestly wish I'd have enough motivation to make myself write in a neater penmanship. I'm inspired by Nicole & Yisian.
    Because I almost never finish what I start. I'd get motivated at first, but it will fade rather fast. I'm worried I might have commitment issues, and I make up excuses. I swear, I'm gonna become my own Jekyll & Hyde soon enough. 
That wasn't much, was it?
So today, during agama, since I finished early - because I didn't know half the answers - I was forced to entertain myself for an hour and a half. This resulted in my question paper being covered with 59 confessions I've wanted to say face-to-face. I would, but it's too harsh. And if they listen to me, then there would be nothing distinctive about them.

This, I noticed, also means that my level of tolerance has decreased to, uhh, almost nothing. I should realise that nobody's perfect and everyone's going to have more than 1 trait that I'll dislike. It's in everyone. 

God, I hate being hot-tempered and easily annoyed.

Je vous aime, mon chéri. Je le veux dire. ♥


Over a fire of amber coal.

Maybe Mother should get an apartment. It'd sorta be cool.

But then I'd forget if my stuff are here or in the apartment.

Or maybe I should just stop wishing for things that won't ever happen.

e vous aime, mon chéri. Je le veux dire. ♥


Through my tender window.

Hana's spectacular post have given me sudden inspiration.
& I'm in the mood to write.

Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?

People have asked me numerous times if I was going to Leo's dinner. Often the same people.
The answer's always no.
I'll tell you why.

Because I don't have a ticket. I'm not allowed to enter without a ticket, am I not? Right. And as you know, it's quite hard to get tickets as they sold out pretty early.

Because I only own 3 dresses; one is black, a rather low cut & long, I wore that one to the St. Johns' Annual dinner back in 2009, I don't like it very much; one is royal blue with quite a nice bodice, it would've fit the Glitz & Glamour theme, but apparently everybody's wearing tube minidresses; the other is a knee-length black georgette, my favourite, but I've worn it to last year's Leo event. I'm too lazy to go shopping for another one & I'd rather go shopping along Oxford Street, hopefully next year.

Because I realised I'm unbearably awkward around groups of people, let alone a party. My friends say it isn't obvious, or maybe they're being nice, but I don't like it. I'd much prefer daydreaming on my excessively-comfy bed.

Because there are certain people that I'd rather not see more than 5 days a week. Because when I see them more than that, I start over-analyzing the little things they do and it stirs up a hatred inside me. It's just one of those issues I have. Too much of a good thing is a bad thing, no?

Because I have too many unread storybooks. My mother complains about it, as does my friends, because I'll almost always leave Borders and MPH with a new storybook. I have to read them, and what better time than when you have all day tomorrow to stress about your homework and half of your friends are dancing their feet off a mile away, so they can't distract you? And at least I leave the strain of reality, even if it's just for a while.

Because I'd like to save as much money as I can for the planned London trip next year, or maybe the baker's boy hat from Accessorize. I've been dying to travel to England ever since I came back, and this time, my mum and I decided to go to the theatre everyday, just because it's the norm & it's a luxury I hardly get here.

Because my father isn't home tonight and I intend to stay home and enjoy the bliss of his absence. This is something that happens often, but never planned. If he was here, I wouldn't be long enough in the computer chair for it to become even slightly warm from my body heat. Now, it's peace.

Because I'd like to listen to my own choice of music, whether it's badass Panic! or the rare Bunkface or something touching like Keane depending on my current mood, and not mainstream songs, although I know I'd probably not realise it until it's almost over.

Because I don't want to miss Criminal Minds, the TV show that I've recently been hooked on. I've developed  an exceptional fondness for Matthew Gray Gubler, especially in Season 6 because he's sporting shorter hair. Since I can't hang out with him in reality, I'd like to spend some time in front of the TV taking in and getting inspired by Dr. Spencer Reid's intelligence and fast speech, admiring Matthew for remembering and reciting his lines very well, wondering what he'd be like in real life and pretending to be an FBI agent myself.

So, no, I'm not going to Leo's.
Instead I'm at home, wearing a comfy t-shirt I used to wear to my tennis lessons and boxer shorts, imagining about my dreams about my future, with only my mum in the same room as me, finished Entwined by Heather Dixon, saved however much money that the the ticket cost, completely dad-free, listening to 'Somewhere Only We Know' and wishing I could make videos to that song and watched the ever-amazing Reid in figuring out the suspect in 'Safe Haven'.

I had a good night. I hope you did too.

Je vous aime, mon chéri. Je le veux dire. ♥


No turning back.

Do you know what this gorgeous young girl did for me?
Sure you don't.

It really is too pretty for me to even start complimenting it.

I shall start calling you Lucy now.

Thanks a million, Luce.

Je vous aime, mon chéri. Je le veux dire. ♥


'Til we grow old.

Lights will guide you home.

So I was cleaning out my thumbdrives, sorting out all the junk I've saved on the computer, and came across this 4 paged story I used to write.

When I was reading through it, I have a feeling I had someone like Sabrina help me. 'Cause I couldn't possibly have written that good. I can no longer write like that anymore. And this upsets me very much.

I miss writing, I really do. But being all anti-mainstream, I can't write a cliche story. 

I shall start writing soon. And hopefully, I can rise to the level I achieved last year.

I'm a sad excuse for a person.

Je vous aime, mon chéri. Je le veux dire. ♥


Nobody wants to do it on their own.

Haven't blogged in ages. I'm surprised if I even still have readers. But, whatever.

The side effects of fasting voluntarily;

  • Getting extremely hyper during Agama class. 
  • Come up with a violent & depressing story about a teenager losing her best friend, sister she never knew she had & boyfriend and parents killed by a psycho killer because of a mistake her parents did way back when during Agama class.
  • Creating psycho killer scenarios for every class and the method the psycho killer is going to use for her killings.
  • Crave for ice-cream that has already stopped business in the nearby mall for the past 5 years.
Anis went crazy over my chocolate chip cookies, and demanded I bake more by Sunday. I cannot eat another chocolate chip cookie baked by myself. It tastes horrible now.

Speaking of Sunday, I'm - and Puteri - are suppose to fit 6 people in a car, driver included. If Anis & Aziza bail, then my mum can safely drive her trusty old Satria to fetch us from UM on Sunday. Otherwise, we're going to have to hire a bus :|

On an unrelated note, I'm working on 3 stories and I'm not sure which one to continue.
  1. The cliche love story that takes place in Paris (the dream I've always wanted to happen) & the only one with a solid storyline.
  2. The other cliche love story which takes place in England, but doesn't have a storyline whatsoever. Or it does, but it was roughly set in the Victorian times and I can't write about the 19th century. So when I modernize it, it sounds weird because some aspects are still only logical if set in the 19th century. 
  3. The psycho killer story, that has a satisfying prologue, but apparently has an extremely depressing storyline according to Alya.
Oh, what a sick mind I have.
I should really start studing. It's 10 days to exam and I haven't touched anything yet.

Je vous aime, mon chéri. Je le veux dire. ♥